The original recipe for a Speedy Omelette comes from the “Unexpected Guest” Chapter of The A-Z of Cooking. Two things, first I’m not a fan of the unexpected guest and would more than likely not feed them at all. It would be Deliveroo at best. Second, we, me, all of us are up to U…the end of the A-Z is nigh. Not long to go now….let’s celebrate with an omelette.
In many ways, the chapter on how to feed your Unexpected Guest is actually a primer on how to punish your unexpected guest because the recipes are almost singularly yecchhhh!!!! The speedy omelette is by far the best recipe in the chapter but then again the chapter contains these delightful titbits so that’s not saying much.
Appetizer – Chilled Ten Minute Potato Soup
Made from dehydrated onions and Smash. Served chilled. Did someone say runny, cold fake mashed potatoes?
Talk about revenge being a dish best served cold. This is quite clearly a dish for the passive aggressive host. “Oh, I do so like surprises. And I hope you do too. Have some soup”.
I always find ads where something is encouraging you to eat itself kind of creepy. Is anthrophomorphic-cannibalism-phobia a thing? Because I think I have it. As off-putting as this is, I would still much rather eat Potato Pete’s soup than the ten minute chilled variety.
Main – Storecupboard Casserole
Yippee – more Smash! This time a revolting combination of spaghetti sauce mix, tinned tomatoes, canned ham, canned corn and green pepper. So the only fresh thing is the worst vegetable ever.
The recipe also contains the following sentences:
“Add the ham with some of the jelly from the can. Don’t add too much jelly or the sauce will be too thin”.
No shit don’t add too much. You know how much canned ham jelly is too much?
Those three words should not even exist together. Urgghhhhhh!!!!
This lady advertising this canned ham looks as miserable as hell. Probably because she’s’ thinking “Not only is “If it were a tomato you could squeeze it” about the dumbest advertising slogan in the entire world but that can better be sealed correctly. Because they are not paying me enough to get leaked on with canned ham jelly”.
Then there is:
Make up the mashed potato according to the directions on the packet, but add a little milk so that it will be soft enough to spread.
What texture is it normally? Rock? I honestly don’t know. I had a proper mother who only ever made mashed potatoes out of potatoes. Let’s just be thankful they didn’t tell you to thin out your fake mashed potatoes with some canned ham jelly.
Wow right? That’s casserole is not even passive aggressive. It’s had a few too Stellas and is just flat out SCREAMING in the street, “Don’t ever fucking come to my house without an invitation again. Because I have canned ham jelly and I’m not afraid to use it”.
Dessert – Ice Cream with Jam Sauce.
The first time I typed this I wrote Ice cream with ham sauce. That is how traumatised I am by the preceding recipe.
This is actually ok. Hot jam with a bit of oj. On ice cream.
But not disgusting.
Which given the rest of the meal is a huge bonus.
The Original Speedy Omelette
Admittedly, even in it’s original state, this is not as vile as the above recipes. It probably won’t send your unexpected guests screaming from the building and unfriending you on Facebook. On the downside, it may also not teach them that turning up unannounced is totally obnoxious.
he Speedy Omelette Revamp
However, let’s drift into the realm of fantasy and suppose that your uninvited guest is actually someone that doesn’t have you gritting your teeth and wondering if you can put ground glass into their drink. Maybe it’s that cute guy, you know the one from the bar / cafe / work / gym. The one with the eyes / smile / butt / six pack. And you want to do a bit better than the speedy omelette? Why not try my non-speedy omelette?
Cut a potato into a small dice, heat some oil in a pan and panfry until golden.
Meantime, lightly steam some asparagus and grate some cheese.
Make your omelette and pile in your filings, reserving the asparagus spears for the garnish. Warm through so the cheese goes melty, flip and serve!
This will take a little longer to make than the Speedy Omelette above but hey, if he’s that cute why would you not want him hanging around for as long as poss? Hell, crack open a bottle of wine, Elizabeth David style and make a night of it!
- 1 large potato peeled and diced into 1cm cubes
- 1 bunch asparagus
- 3 eggs
- 1 tbsp water
- 50g Cheddar cheese, grated
- butter or oil for pan
- Cook the potatoes in boiling water for 4-5 minutes.
- Drain in a colander and allow to dry completely.
- Heat oil or butter in a non-stick pan.
- Add the potatoes.
- Stir and toss occasionally as they cook.
- When they are golden brown on all sides, place on kitchen paper to drain.
- Chop the tips of the asparagus off and then slice lengthwise.
- Steam over boiling water for 2 minutes
- Plunge into cold water and then place on kitchen paper to drain.
- Whisk the eggs with the water,salt and pepper.
- Melt more butter into the pan the potatoes were cooked in. Cook until it sizzles.
- Pour in the egg mixture and tilt the pan so the mixture covers the base.
- As the omelette starts to set, loosen the mixture from around the edges and tilt the pan so the liquid egg flows underneath.
- Spoon the filling onto the omelette whilst the top is still a bit runny (it will continue to cook after you fold it).
- Fold and serve garnished with the asparagus tips.
- If you don't have or don’t like asparagus, sub in mushrooms, spinach, tomatoes, ham, rocket or crabmeat. You can also swap out the Cheddar for Gruyere, feta, goat's cheese, mozzarella or your favourite cheese!
Have a fabulous week.
And remember, if this blog was a tomato, you could squeeze it.