The Irish artist Francis Bacon once famously declared
Champagne for my real friends, real pain for my sham friends.
Today, friends we are looking at some sham or mock foods. And we may not have champagne but we have a cocktail that looks like this and tastes super delish!
We’ll come back to the cocktail later.
Believe me, we might need a stiff drink or two after the horrors I’m about to inflict on you.
So, I was flicking through the pages of “Possum Pie, Beetroot Beer and Lamingtons” and I noticed a trend for mock food.
STARTERS
MOCK OYSTERS AKA WHAT TO EAT WHEN THE WORLD ISN’T YOUR OYSTER
So what would you expect to be in a mock oyster? My first thought was maybe a mussel? Oysters are spendy. Mussels are cheap. Open your mussels, add some bacon, Worcestershire sauce and a dash of Tabasco sauce, pop it under the grill and you might have a fairly close approximation of a Kilpatrick Oyster.
Alternatively, why not give brains and walnuts a whirl?….
I don’t know WTF a mix of brains and walnuts would taste like (and I don’t ever want to know) but I’m willing to bet it isn’t oysters!
Not a fan of un-oysters? What about some delicious crispy fried non- whitebait?
MOCK WHITEBAIT BECAUSE EGGY CHIPS DOESN’T SOUND CLASSY
Okay, I think we can all agree that this is not NEARLY as bad as that brains and walnuts combo. But no one is going to be fooled!
MAIN COURSES
MOCK DUCK – FAKE FOOD OR REAL GANGSTER?
I’m just going to say this right now. This recipe makes no sense.
I kind of get the oyster thing and even the whitebait thing on a monetary level. Oysters are expensive. Whitebait not so much but eggy fries would be cheaper still. I totally understand why people might want to take a cheap ingredient and dress it up to taste like something a bit fancier. Now it may be different where you live, but here? Steak, good steak, is far more pricey than duck.
I also have absolutely no idea of what kind of 50 shades of bondage moves you would need to tie a steak into the shape of a duck.
And finally…I don’t care what shape you tie your steak into. It will not taste like duck
For a far more interesting Mock Duck, let’s take a trip on the way back machine to 1900 in New York’s Chinatown. Here, a “cherubic, ever-smiling, moon-faced Machiavelli” gangster called….wait for it….Mock Duck was terrorizing rival gangs. If you have ever heard the term “hatchetman” you have Mock Duck and his gang, the Hip Sing, to thank. The term was coined due to their practice of carrying hatchets with sharpened blades in their sleeves. Mock Duck was a total badass who wore diamond buttons on his shirts and a chain mail vest to stop bullets! More about Mock Duck’s Exploits can be found here.
MOCK SQUAB PIE – ITS A CONSPIRACY OF BAD TASTE
The word squab always reminds me of a scene from the movie JFK when Tommy Lee Jones says “Hope you like squab.”
Except, he says it with a Southern drawl so the A in squab lasts for like an hour.
Squaaaaaaaab.
Well, if you like squab but are having trouble finding some, look no further.
So squab tastes like meaty apple pie? In that case Tommy Lee, “No, I don’t like squaaaaaaab”.
SOMETHING ON THE SIDE
IMITATION SPINACH – IT’S NOT EASY BEING GREENS
I might be talking from a very 2019 Melbourne centric stance here. But spinach is EVERYwhere. I cannot think of a place where I could be where I was not in walking distance of a bag of spinach. Why you would then want to imitate it is unfathomable to me. No spinach? Have beans. Or cabbage. There are lots of other vegetables out there. We don’t need to fake spinach.
And also Pumpkin shoots? I have no idea where I would find any sort of pumpkin shoots, let alone tender ones. I guess you need a vegetable garden. In which case you could probably just grow spinach.
SHAM GINGER – WHAT NO COPYCAT MARYANNE?
This one is just ridic. Making sham ginger from cucumbers and ground ginger? Why not just use the ground ginger?
DESSERTS
LETS END IT ALL WITH SOME CHEESECAKE PUDDING
So, cheesecake…technically not a cake. But always containing cheese right?
Not so much.
Q: How disappointed would you be if someone told you they were making cheesecake for dessert and it turned out to be sieved potato with a smattering of sultanas?
A:
I THINK WE ALL MIGHT NEED A DRINK!
In fact, it’s time to totally relax because all the bad food is behind us and kick back with a glass of the very appropriately named Tequila Mockingbird Cocktail! This is soooo good. Fruity, sweet, spicy and with a little kick of da da da da da da da…Tequila!
Tequila Mockingbird Recipe
I hope you enjoyed this little foray into the weird and…well…certainly not wonderful world of mock foods. Tell me? Do you have recipes for Mock Food in your collection? Have you ever made a mock food? And did it taste like the real deal?
Have a wonderful week!
