My favorite thing to eat is finger food. And it doesn’t have to be fancy – I’m just as happy with a mini-quiche or a party pie as with a teeny Peking duck pancake or a tempura prawn on a stick with wasabi mayo.
If I was ever going to open a restaurant, all it would serve would be tiny bites. And champagne. Cocktails of course. But the entire menu would be finger food. It would be a cocktail party restaurant. Anyone wishing to fund this establishment…you know where to find me.
Finger food has been on my mind recently as I have been drooling over the contents of Lydia France’s Party Bites which is like setting a child loose in a sweet shop – I want that one! And that one! And I REALLY want that one!
I was also not the only one who thought this book was looked delicious. Oscar’s been suffering from a little bit of separation anxiety since I have gone back to work and I came home one day to find the book, which I had left on the couch was not exactly how I had left it….
No so much dog eared….
I then had to go fess up to the library – the upside of which, after exchange of some financial compensation, the book, albeit slightly chewed now belongs to me!
There is a recipe in Party Bites which is a modern take on the old retro favourite of a cube of cheese on a stick with a bit of something. This is often to be had with pineapple in the fabulously kitschy Cheese and Pineapple Hedgehog:
Then there is the equally retro but less whimsical Aussie Staple of kabana and cheese….
Kabana And Cheese
No Australian barbeque of the 1970’s or 80’s would have been complete without a tray of this. Often, the kabana and cheese was topped with chunk of pineapple, a gaudily coloured cocktail onion or, if you were really classy, a stuffed olive.
The idea is actually sound. Who doesn’t love a meaty cheesy snack? And if topped with something sweet or sour or salty…well, so much the better. We here at Retro Food For Modern Times are not subscribers to the minimalist maxim that less is more. We believe that more is more. With a cherry on top!
The main problems with kabana and cheese is that kabana is kind of gross and although this combination might be tasty, it is drop dead boring. So, how do you give the ubiquitous kabana and cheese a modern twist whilst still retaining some of the kookiness of the cheese and pineapple hedgehog? Hello Lydia France’s Spanish Men…or should that be Hola los hombres españoles!
Here’s Lydia’s Version:
Spanish Men – Lydia France
And here are mine…my Spanish men look a little drunk and definitely more chunkier. I think my Spanish men may have been hitting the Rioja a little too hard….
My Spanish Men
For all their wonkiness, I loved them. These were sooooo good! Serrano ham, where have you been all my life? If you weren’t so damn expensive I would be feasting on you non-stop.
The salty olive, the sweet quince paste, the meaty deliciousness of the serrano and the creaminess of the cheese combine to create a little piece of heaven on a stick!
Spanish Men I love you!
Mario Casas
And you’re not bad either Mario Casas…
I’m going to be spending my week checking out Spanish cinema. Enjoy your week whatever you do!
I figured after the alcoholic debauchery of the last post, it was time for some restraint and a bit of detoxification. So, I spent the last week eating for Love and Beauty. Not exclusively mind you but at least one dish per day…and, it was pretty good. Actually, it was better than that – I felt great! I was full of energy, more alert, I was focussed, I steamed through tasks at work, I lost about a kilo in weight, my skin looked great, a cute boy held a door open and winked at me…seriously this shit worked! Imagine if I lived like this…I’d be invincible!
So, this is how the week went down.
Day 1 – Balinese Rice
I know this dish better as a Gado Gado and it is delicious. Mind you, peanut sauce is a bit like bacon…or cheese for me….you could drizzle it over a stick and I would not only eat it but ask for seconds…
I chose to keep my vegies and rice separate because I liked the way it looked on the plate, but you could choose to mix them as suggested by the Swami.
The colours in this are so pretty and fresh as well!
Balinese Rice with Peanut Sauce
Day 2 – Vitality Bread I baked bread!
No wait…
I. BAKED. BREAD.
You have no idea how happy this made me. It looked like bread, it tasted like bread, the entire house was filled with the delicious aroma of freshly baked..happy days!
Vitality Bread
You also have no idea how my heart sank when Mark said “Wow, this bread is great, you can bake a loaf every week.” That won’t be happening anytime in the foreseeable, but I will bake more bread…I really want to do a walnut loaf. But not every week. Life’s too short and yeast is a temperamental little fucker.
Vitality Bread 2
In the interests of full disclosure, there were two failed attempts before the loaf of success.
Here is how not to go wrong baking bread.
When they say mix the yeast with warm water…don’t use boiling. Yeast doesn’t like heat.
When they say leave for one and a half hours, don’t think “Well overnight will be even better” and go off to bed. Particularly, in winter. Yeast also doesn’t like cold.
See what I mean? Yeast. It’s the Goldilocks of food.
Vitality Bread & Butter
Day 3 – Chive Relish Sauce
Chive Relish Sauce
I’m not sure what the original recipe for this would be like…minus any pictures from Eating for Love and Beauty, I didn’t really have a guide. Mine turned out like an Egg Salad. It tasted great with the Vitality Bread so I’m not complaining but I suspect it might have been meant to be a bit more mayonnaise-ish.
Excuse the plastic wrap, I took this to work for lunch and took the picture at my desk whilst eating on the fly!
Chive Relish Sauce with Vitality Bread
Day 4 – Lover’s Blush
It’s Rhubarb, fool!
Maiden’s Blush – A Rhubarb Fool
So much for my (bad) Mr T. impersonation…this is super delicious!
Mind you, in my mind, rhubarb belongs in the Pantheon of Foods That Can Do No Wrong (Bacon, Cheese, Peanut Sauce…) so there was more than likely not going to be a downside with this recipe. I did substitute some Amaretti’s for the wheaten biscuits though and added some orange zest for extra zing!
This was just lovely – tangy, sweet, creamy…and (relatively) healthy. And just look at that gorgeous colour!
I’m going to be spending the week doing more eating for Love and Beauty, I have some salads, an eggplant dish and another (jello) dessert! on the menu. In my spare time I’ll be planning how to use my newly bestowed Eating for Love and Beauty super powers to take over the world, for good, not evil. Enjoy your week whatever you do!
Let’s face it, cottage cheese exists for one reason and one reason only. I call it “The Posts” as in post-Christmas, post-New Year, post holidays, birthdays, Easter, you get my drift. Pretty much post anything that is fun (i.e. involves large volumes of eating and drinking). Mondays feature strongly.
The symptoms of The Posts are a glance in the mirror that is quickly averted, followed by a groan of “I really need to go on a diet”. The effect of The Posts is a lightening of the wallet as you race down to the supermarket and fill your trolley with carrots, celery and the aforementioned cottage cheese. Which will be thrown into the rubbish about three months past its use by date. Sometimes, it may have even been opened. It’s not so much the lack of taste it’s that curdy texture which is just…ewwww….And yet, I keep buying it.
I have, in the past, resorted to other methods of getting rid of The Posts. One such event saw me popping down to the local health food shop to pick up some magic thinness bullets a.k.a diet pills. Of course, they were hidden so I had to ask the weightlifter type who was stacking shelves where I might find them.
He was one of those muscle-bound creatures with prominent veins, a shaved head and a tattoo on his neck. I have nothing against tattoos in general. I have one myself. Neck tattoos, however, are generally skanky. No one looks good with a neck tattoo. Except maybe George Clooney in from Dusk til Dawn. His was kind of hot.
Most other people look like trailer trash or like they just got out of prison.
“WHAT DO YOU WANT DIET PILLS FOR?” the possible ex-convict snarled back at me. And he didn’t ask it in a “Because you’re so svelte you don’t need them” tone either. He started off belligerent. And it went downhill from there.
Why do you think I want diet pills, idiot? Because I read on the internet that if I shoved them up my arse the alien rectal probes couldn’t get me? What kind stupid question is that? It’s the equivalent of asking an adolescent boy why he’s buying condoms. There is pretty much only one reason. To be asked to explain that reason out loud, in a crowded shop, is just humiliating. Actually, I take that back. It’s worse than questioning a boy buying condoms. At least in that instance he could snap back “To fuck your mother.” I had nothing.
Prisoner 845 had one volume. Annoyingly loud. “DIET PILLS DON”T WORK”
You really don’t understand the nature of retail do you Sunshine? It’s probably why you got sent to prison in the first place. So, here’s how it should work:
I ask for diet pills.
You give them to me.
I give you money. (That bit’s important. It’s probably the part you forgot last time)
I leave happy.
Your shop stays in business
Liptauer Lunch
“YOU DONT NEED DIET PILLS. YOU NEED TO EXERCISE”
Really? I never realised that steroids made you stupid as well as shrinking your penis. If I was that way inclined I wouldn’t be here asking for diet pills would I? I’d be out…skipping… or whatever it is that people do when they exercise.
I didn’t say that.
He was big. And mean looking. And one of the veins in his neck was starting to throb alarmingly. I started to back away from him because he was quite clearly suffering from some sort of ‘roid rage. I didn‘t even understand why he was there. Health food shops should be run by aging hippies not steroid abusing, serial killers.
Eventually I was backed into a shelf of herbal tea. He then leant over me and said in the most threatening voice I have ever heard. “YOU EAT DAIRY DON’T YOU?”
Yes I do and whilst we’re on the subject of dietary habits you should probably lay off the red meat. There’s a box of Sleepytime Tea digging into my left shoulder. Maybe you should try a cup.
I didn’t say that either.
He then leant down so he was about a centimetre away from my face. He was all red and his eyes were bulging out; he looked like he might be about to have some sort of apoplexy. He was also one of those people who spit when they talk and he was so close it was getting all over my face which was….I give up…there are no words to describe how utterly, utterly repulsive that was.
And then, as I was trying to surreptitiously wipe my face he bellowed (and spat) at me:
“CHEESE… IS… DEATH.”
Nothing in my life had prepared me on how to deal with a spitting neck-tattooed lunatic in my face and screaming about how dairy products would kill me. I was also slightly more concerned about my impending death at the hands of the psychopath in front of me than any damage a camembert could inflict. So, I did what I usually do when I don’t know whether to shit or go blind. I started to giggle. Then I ran. As fast as my chubby little legs could carry me. All the way down the street to the next health food shop where a lovely aging hippy had absolutely no qualms about selling me some piece of crap, expensive diet pills that didn’t work.
An easier way to get rid of The Posts and to thus avoid health food shop sociopaths would be to make Mary Meredith’s recipe for Liptauer (or as she calls it Liptaur).
This was good. Really good. Both as a dip and as a healthy lunch.
However, I don’t understand the point of mixing cottage cheese and butter. Next time I make it I’ll use a low-fat cream cheese instead. This will also remove the cottage cheese curdiness which was the only downside of the recipe.
Mary Meredith mentions that the Liptauer is also really good with baked potatoes. I wasn’t about to bake a potato as we were having bangers and mash for dinner. Hang on…potato is potato right? Should I? Dare I? I’ve put cheese, chives and mustard into mash before – maybe not all at the same time but they all worked. Anchovies are mostly salt. What could go wrong?
Yeah, ok, you can all stop facepalming.
The gherkin. The gherkin could go wrong. I know that….
Now.
I put it down to temporary insanity caused by finding a delicious use for cottage cheese.
Here is a picture of the Liptauer mash. Don’t try this at home. It was revolting.
Liptauer Mash
So, I ask you. Is cheese death?
And if so, outside of the Liptauer Mash debacle of 2013, could there be a better way to go?
Welcome to Mary Meredith’s Good Cooking for Everyone.
Let me just start with a little quibble. When i think of 1981, I think of this:
1981’s finest.
And not so much this:
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not having a go at Mary here. This book was first published in 1970 and this was a probably a perfectly acceptable photo back then. Eleven years later, you’d think that maybe the publishers could have forked out for a new publicity photo. Maybe one using that new technology of colour.
The 500 “specially selected recipes” in this book do address a wide audience, if not exactly everyone.
In keeping with the Livvie theme above, there are sandwiches that would suit people watching their weight:
And recipes for those who are most definitely not.
Mary calls this “California Stuffed Forehock.” I prefer to think of it as “The Reason Elvis (Permanently) Left the Building”. The prunes in the recipe could explain why he was found on the toilet.
Enough for 4 people or one bacon lovin’ popstar!
From The King, to proper royalty, Mary Meredith also provides us with a dainty dish to set before a king. Four and twenty blackbirds anyone?
In fairness to Mary, it’s not actually blackbirds but a mix of lamb kidneys and cutlets. In fairness to modern sensibility, I was staring at this picture wondering how to describe the sheer awfulness of a pie with bones in little bootees sticking out of it. Mark looked at it over my shoulder. “You’re not making that are you?” he asked, sounding a little shaky. I assured him I was not. “Good” he said. “Because it looks fucking horrible.” Description problem solved.
Then, there are recipes for people who want their cakes to look like footwear. (Why? WHY???)
Shoe cake – who doesn’t want to eat an old boot on their birthday!
And recipes for people who want to traumatise their children. Never mind the chocolate-roll cats at the front, what are those weird shiny pink things with faces ? Apart from the stuff of nightmares?
Children’s Party Food
I did however manage to find one group of people for who Mary was not catering for. I was searching the index of this book when, in the B’s, I came across:
Baked Lemon Potatoes
Batch of scones
It’s an odd way of listing these items but there were corresponding entries under L, P and S so whilst kooky, they weren’t entirely random. (But again, maybe something that should have been corrected in the 1981 edition.)
I also noticed under M:
Making a jug of cocoa
Using this logic surely every recipe should be listed under M?
Making Lettuce and lemon sandwiches
Making Elvis Has Left The Building, etc.
And just to be really irritating there is no corresponding entry under C listing:
Cocoa, Making a jug of
I’m sorry cocoa drinkers of the world, I guess if you were of a logical mind in 1981 and wanted to find out how to make a jug of your favourite drink (without having to scan through 499 other recipes), you were S.O.L.
I’m spending the weekend with a jug of margaritas… it was going to be cocoa but the recipe was too damn hard to find!
I have spoken previously about my abhorrence of food made to look like animals. It’s one of the reasons why Easter isn’t my favourite holiday.
Chocolate? Good.
Chocolate posing as rabbits and chickens? Not so much.
Not to mention the Easter Bilbies…
Easter Bilbies
I have nothing against bilbies, I think they’re kind of sweet when they are found in nature where they belong. Where they do not belong is in my Easter Basket.
However, given the time of year and the predilection for animal shaped food items I thought I would have a quick look at two recipes, one from the Party Cookbook (1971), the other from a modern book to see how our tastes have changed.
Let’s start with the 1971 recipe for White Mice in Jelly.
I didn’t make this because
a) It’s food made to look like rodents, and
b) I’m not fond of pears. I find them largely tasteless and a little gritty.
But imagine these sans lettuce leaf and cheese and drowned in a vat of Lucozade and you get the general idea of the White Mice in Jelly.
,
1971 verdict – I guess they’re kind of cute. If you like eating facsimile vermin and gritty fruit, knock yourself out.
Moving to 2013, I found the following recipe in Luke Nguyen‘s Greater Mekong Cookbook. I assumed his Chargrilled Coconut Mice would be an Asian version of the above, maybe made from a tropical fruit dipped in coconut. A cutesy way to end the book, like the puppy story at the end of the news.
Then I actually read the recipe and..oh….oh…OH! For the love of hopscotching Jesus…no!
Don’t get me wrong Luke, I like you. I think you are charming television host and a great chef. I follow you on social media. But seriously? REAL FUCKING MICE? Have you lost your mind?
I didn’t make this one either because
a) It’s food made of rodents and
b) Telling me to not freak out and use quail doesn’t work. The word mice has already been mentioned. Several times. I don’t give a crap if they are naturally clean I’m not throwing a few mice on the barbie!
2013 Verdict – Is this really what we’ve come to? We’ve had the foams and the bacon ice-cream and the molecular gastronomy, we’re now eating vermin? Bring back 1971!
Just in case the recipe wasn’t bad enough you can watch Luke cooking the mice here:
