Now that I have more storage space, mum has been bringing over various bits and pieces of my childhood that she had been keeping for me.
This included a whole heap of my books, including all of my old Famous Five Books. OMG, I loved these, I must have read each of them a hundred times! And yes, at some point I will do a post on the food of the Famous Five. And it will have lashings of ginger beer.
Famous Five Books
She also brought over my old Brownie Uniform.
Brownie Uniform
Even better than the uniform was, that, in the pocket was my Brownie notebook and official brownie pencil emblazoned with the Brownie Motto of “Lend a Hand.”
Brownie Notebook and Pencil
On the first page of the notebook there is a note about a recipe with a big tick next to it. I started this cooking thing young! On the second page is a cryptic note saying “Next week jeans + t-shirt not to wear” I wonder what the hell we were going to do with them…Sadly the rest of the notebook is blank so we’ll never know.
As New Year’s Eve is looming, I thought that in the spirit of “lending a hand” I would share my recipe for Hangover Eggs. And, all you party revellers can “be prepared” and get in some supplies. I can’t remember where I found this recipe originally but over the years, it has morphed into the recipe below.
Hangover Eggs
It is however very flexible. You can add tomatoes to the toast; mushrooms, fresh chilli, or green or red pepper, or anything else you fancy to the egg mix. I also find most bought hummus does not have enough tahini in it and I’m far to lazy to make my own so, as per the recipe, I tend to add a bit. You can do this, use the hummus as is, or leave it out altogether. It’s your raging hangover, you know what’s going to work best for you!
Oh and this is really too good to be saved just for hangover days, I would eat it every day if I could!
Hangover Eggs
For the healthy, you can wash this down with some green tea maybe with the rest of the lemon juice squeezed in.
For the rest of us, an ice cold coke is the perfect beverage.
For the truly suffering, a small glass of champagne just to top up your levels may be in order!
Ok, I think I’m done…better just check….
Recipe
Yep, I”m done!
Happy 2014 everyone, I hope it’s your best year ever!
The Pita Bread Christmas Trees mentioned in the article are adorable. And, will be featuring in my Christmas menus.
The article mentioned Susan’s Party Loaf which is this gorgeous looking thing
However, if you are going down that route you could also try this very pretty version from Betty Crocker. You really know you’re taking a ride on the way-back machine when you have a completely gratuitous use of food colouring!
Betty Crocker Party Loaf
And the Madras Cocktail ? Take a look at this piece of awesomeness…
Madras Cocktail
Don’t drink them all they say? Who are they kidding? The recipe which is here
put me in mind of the old Dorothy Parker quote:
“I like to have a martini,
Two at the very most.
After three I’m under the table,
after four I’m under the host.”
This thing might not just knock your socks off, it could take your ankles with it.
I can’t wait to try it!
So what retro treats are you all planning for Christmas?
My favorite thing to eat is finger food. And it doesn’t have to be fancy – I’m just as happy with a mini-quiche or a party pie as with a teeny Peking duck pancake or a tempura prawn on a stick with wasabi mayo.
If I was ever going to open a restaurant, all it would serve would be tiny bites. And champagne. Cocktails of course. But the entire menu would be finger food. It would be a cocktail party restaurant. Anyone wishing to fund this establishment…you know where to find me.
Finger food has been on my mind recently as I have been drooling over the contents of Lydia France’s Party Bites which is like setting a child loose in a sweet shop – I want that one! And that one! And I REALLY want that one!
I was also not the only one who thought this book was looked delicious. Oscar’s been suffering from a little bit of separation anxiety since I have gone back to work and I came home one day to find the book, which I had left on the couch was not exactly how I had left it….
No so much dog eared….
I then had to go fess up to the library – the upside of which, after exchange of some financial compensation, the book, albeit slightly chewed now belongs to me!
There is a recipe in Party Bites which is a modern take on the old retro favourite of a cube of cheese on a stick with a bit of something. This is often to be had with pineapple in the fabulously kitschy Cheese and Pineapple Hedgehog:
Then there is the equally retro but less whimsical Aussie Staple of kabana and cheese….
Kabana And Cheese
No Australian barbeque of the 1970’s or 80’s would have been complete without a tray of this. Often, the kabana and cheese was topped with chunk of pineapple, a gaudily coloured cocktail onion or, if you were really classy, a stuffed olive.
The idea is actually sound. Who doesn’t love a meaty cheesy snack? And if topped with something sweet or sour or salty…well, so much the better. We here at Retro Food For Modern Times are not subscribers to the minimalist maxim that less is more. We believe that more is more. With a cherry on top!
The main problems with kabana and cheese is that kabana is kind of gross and although this combination might be tasty, it is drop dead boring. So, how do you give the ubiquitous kabana and cheese a modern twist whilst still retaining some of the kookiness of the cheese and pineapple hedgehog? Hello Lydia France’s Spanish Men…or should that be Hola los hombres españoles!
Here’s Lydia’s Version:
Spanish Men – Lydia France
And here are mine…my Spanish men look a little drunk and definitely more chunkier. I think my Spanish men may have been hitting the Rioja a little too hard….
My Spanish Men
For all their wonkiness, I loved them. These were sooooo good! Serrano ham, where have you been all my life? If you weren’t so damn expensive I would be feasting on you non-stop.
The salty olive, the sweet quince paste, the meaty deliciousness of the serrano and the creaminess of the cheese combine to create a little piece of heaven on a stick!
Spanish Men I love you!
Mario Casas
And you’re not bad either Mario Casas…
I’m going to be spending my week checking out Spanish cinema. Enjoy your week whatever you do!
Can you believe I’ve been doing this for nearly a year?
And as the anniversary approaches, I’ve been thinking about how to celebrate. Somehow my normal process of pulling one of the many vintage cookbooks from the pile under my bed at random doesn’t seem quite joyful enough. Primarily because this invariably involves me knocking the pile over, uttering some sustained invective as I pile it all back up then muttering “I really should Hoover under there one day”. That is not the stuff of celebration!
I had planned to sift through the pile to find something special. However, when I found “Eat your Way To Love and Beauty” by Swami Sarasvati in my local charity shop I thought I had found my birthday book! Who doesn’t want to be loved and beautiful? Especially on their birthday? And, why not eat my way there? It beats getting there by the other “e” word. You know, the one we try very hard not to mention here. Hint: it rhymes with…mexercising. Yes, I know that’s not a word. If you’re so smart, you try coming up with a word that rhymes with exercising. Anyway, it’s obviously working for The Swami. She’s cute. And limber!
The caption to this photo says
“Swami Sarasvati, her youth and vitality living proof of her cooking, exercises among her health dishes”
Please note: Retro Food For Modern Times in no way condones its readers exercising among their health dishes. Nor will I bear any responsibility for damages incurred if you decide to do so. To put it bluntly, if you end up with a pineapple up your clacker by engaging in this you’re on your own. And be aware that hospital staff will mock you behind your back. “Of course you slipped over whilst exercising among your health dishes… that’s what all the deviants say.” You have been warned.
Swami Sarasvati was a tv icon on Australia in the 1970’s, where she taught a generation of early morning tv watchers the art of yoga and the delights of a vegetarian lifestyle. I wish she was on the telly now. I would totally watch her. Well, I probably wouldn’t get up that early but I would record her shows, meaning to get around to doing some sun salutations one day…right after I vacuum under that bed! She also still runs a yoga retreat in New South Wales. It is currently ranked the number one hotel in Kenthurst on Trip Advisor. That it is the only hotel in town is by the by.
Speaking as someone who has been on a yoga retreat, the Swami’s looks pretty good. I had a miserable time the last one I was on. It was freezing and in lieu of heating, my room came equipped with a massive spider. I thought it would be not in keeping with the yoga/vegan/hippie vibe of the place to beat the ugly fucker to death with my shoe. This meant I was too scared to sleep for the entire time I was there in case, during my slumber, the spider decided to break our unspoken entente cordiale to crawl into my hair or lay eggs in my face.
You will be disappointed, though if you click through the link. Eat Your Way To Love and Beauty is no longer on the list of the Swami’s books available for purchase. We’re about to find out why.
Some of the sensibilities of the book feel very modern. Take for instance the Swami’s response to the question:
“What is healthy food?”
“It is food as fresh as possible and eaten as soon as possible. Refining, preserving, canning or colouring food should be avoided wherever possible”
That doesn’t last long…we descend into the land of the loony almost immediately.
Q – “How can food make me more loving?”
“A well nourished woman will have the strength to be patient and understanding and loving even when life seems impossible. Your children won’t turn to drugs”.
Q – “My Husband won’t eat health foods”
“Girls, to keep your marriage fresh and exciting, you must keep yourself and your husband youthful and vital….there are enough tangy gourmet health dishes in this book to tempt your husband. Before long he will be better at business and sport.
You know what Swami? You had me at love and beauty…let’s not bring my husband and non-existent children into it.
But despite all this…despite dooming Mark to bankruptcy and failure on the sporting field (by which I mean his PS3 breaking) and the poor dogs to having to sell themselves to strangers for Schmackos…I will not be celebrating this birthday by eating my way to love and beauty. Eating for hatred and ugliness has got me thus far, I guess I can continue for another week or so!
I have made a few recipes from “Eat Your Way To Love And Beauty” being a celery soup, an eggplant bhurta and a carrot halva.
Here they are:
Celery Soup
Eggplant Bhurta
Eggplant Bhurta
Carrot Halva
Carrot Halva
These all tasted ok. Actually, the carrot halva was really good once I added a bucketload of brown sugar – kind of like carrot cake without the cake. And the eggplant was also pretty good. The celery soup was average. There was nothing wrong with any of them. They were just a bit drab. Look at them. They’re not screaming party are they? They look, earnest, well-meaning, brown. The food version of Coldplay. Worthy but kind of boring…
Which brings me to the second reason, we will not be celebrating Retro Food For Modern Times first birthday by eating our way to love and beauty.
Now, for those of you who are not au fait with the gimlet, it is defined by the fount of all knowledge, Wikipedia, as:
“A cocktail made of gin and lime juice”
Two ingredients. One of which is missing from the Swami’s recipe.
Never mind, I thought, the next recipe is called Singapore Gin. Maybe I’ll make that as my birthday cocktail.
Or maybe I wont…we like our booze here at Retro Food For Modern Times, celebrating anything without booze is anathema.
No wonder this book isn’t for sale anymore, it was probably banned for false advertising. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal to call a cocktail Singapore “Gin” when it contains not the slightest whiff of a juniper berry!
Next week we’ll party like it’s 1969. I won’t give too much away but there will be gin and there will be gelatine; if I can get sufficiently organised there maybe something else starting with a “g” to make up a full three course meal…cocktail and dessert count as 2 courses don’t they?
I’ll be spending my week frantically trying to think of that third course…
Let’s face it, cottage cheese exists for one reason and one reason only. I call it “The Posts” as in post-Christmas, post-New Year, post holidays, birthdays, Easter, you get my drift. Pretty much post anything that is fun (i.e. involves large volumes of eating and drinking). Mondays feature strongly.
The symptoms of The Posts are a glance in the mirror that is quickly averted, followed by a groan of “I really need to go on a diet”. The effect of The Posts is a lightening of the wallet as you race down to the supermarket and fill your trolley with carrots, celery and the aforementioned cottage cheese. Which will be thrown into the rubbish about three months past its use by date. Sometimes, it may have even been opened. It’s not so much the lack of taste it’s that curdy texture which is just…ewwww….And yet, I keep buying it.
I have, in the past, resorted to other methods of getting rid of The Posts. One such event saw me popping down to the local health food shop to pick up some magic thinness bullets a.k.a diet pills. Of course, they were hidden so I had to ask the weightlifter type who was stacking shelves where I might find them.
He was one of those muscle-bound creatures with prominent veins, a shaved head and a tattoo on his neck. I have nothing against tattoos in general. I have one myself. Neck tattoos, however, are generally skanky. No one looks good with a neck tattoo. Except maybe George Clooney in from Dusk til Dawn. His was kind of hot.
Most other people look like trailer trash or like they just got out of prison.
“WHAT DO YOU WANT DIET PILLS FOR?” the possible ex-convict snarled back at me. And he didn’t ask it in a “Because you’re so svelte you don’t need them” tone either. He started off belligerent. And it went downhill from there.
Why do you think I want diet pills, idiot? Because I read on the internet that if I shoved them up my arse the alien rectal probes couldn’t get me? What kind stupid question is that? It’s the equivalent of asking an adolescent boy why he’s buying condoms. There is pretty much only one reason. To be asked to explain that reason out loud, in a crowded shop, is just humiliating. Actually, I take that back. It’s worse than questioning a boy buying condoms. At least in that instance he could snap back “To fuck your mother.” I had nothing.
Prisoner 845 had one volume. Annoyingly loud. “DIET PILLS DON”T WORK”
You really don’t understand the nature of retail do you Sunshine? It’s probably why you got sent to prison in the first place. So, here’s how it should work:
I ask for diet pills.
You give them to me.
I give you money. (That bit’s important. It’s probably the part you forgot last time)
I leave happy.
Your shop stays in business
Liptauer Lunch
“YOU DONT NEED DIET PILLS. YOU NEED TO EXERCISE”
Really? I never realised that steroids made you stupid as well as shrinking your penis. If I was that way inclined I wouldn’t be here asking for diet pills would I? I’d be out…skipping… or whatever it is that people do when they exercise.
I didn’t say that.
He was big. And mean looking. And one of the veins in his neck was starting to throb alarmingly. I started to back away from him because he was quite clearly suffering from some sort of ‘roid rage. I didn‘t even understand why he was there. Health food shops should be run by aging hippies not steroid abusing, serial killers.
Eventually I was backed into a shelf of herbal tea. He then leant over me and said in the most threatening voice I have ever heard. “YOU EAT DAIRY DON’T YOU?”
Yes I do and whilst we’re on the subject of dietary habits you should probably lay off the red meat. There’s a box of Sleepytime Tea digging into my left shoulder. Maybe you should try a cup.
I didn’t say that either.
He then leant down so he was about a centimetre away from my face. He was all red and his eyes were bulging out; he looked like he might be about to have some sort of apoplexy. He was also one of those people who spit when they talk and he was so close it was getting all over my face which was….I give up…there are no words to describe how utterly, utterly repulsive that was.
And then, as I was trying to surreptitiously wipe my face he bellowed (and spat) at me:
“CHEESE… IS… DEATH.”
Nothing in my life had prepared me on how to deal with a spitting neck-tattooed lunatic in my face and screaming about how dairy products would kill me. I was also slightly more concerned about my impending death at the hands of the psychopath in front of me than any damage a camembert could inflict. So, I did what I usually do when I don’t know whether to shit or go blind. I started to giggle. Then I ran. As fast as my chubby little legs could carry me. All the way down the street to the next health food shop where a lovely aging hippy had absolutely no qualms about selling me some piece of crap, expensive diet pills that didn’t work.
An easier way to get rid of The Posts and to thus avoid health food shop sociopaths would be to make Mary Meredith’s recipe for Liptauer (or as she calls it Liptaur).
This was good. Really good. Both as a dip and as a healthy lunch.
However, I don’t understand the point of mixing cottage cheese and butter. Next time I make it I’ll use a low-fat cream cheese instead. This will also remove the cottage cheese curdiness which was the only downside of the recipe.
Mary Meredith mentions that the Liptauer is also really good with baked potatoes. I wasn’t about to bake a potato as we were having bangers and mash for dinner. Hang on…potato is potato right? Should I? Dare I? I’ve put cheese, chives and mustard into mash before – maybe not all at the same time but they all worked. Anchovies are mostly salt. What could go wrong?
Yeah, ok, you can all stop facepalming.
The gherkin. The gherkin could go wrong. I know that….
Now.
I put it down to temporary insanity caused by finding a delicious use for cottage cheese.
Here is a picture of the Liptauer mash. Don’t try this at home. It was revolting.
Liptauer Mash
So, I ask you. Is cheese death?
And if so, outside of the Liptauer Mash debacle of 2013, could there be a better way to go?
